I haven’t been making many mysticism posts lately. Not because I haven’t been busy, but because I’m not sure what to say about how things have changed. Ra and I did not start out with a good relationship. I was angry at him for a long time. I had a good reason to be angry. He never denied that. (For those who don’t already know, think shaman sickness, but without any explanation of what was going on at the time.) I was angry, but I didn’t leave. I made an effort to find out what happened and why. It took a long time, but understanding eventually took the place of anger.
When I wrote the Foundation and Center post, Heru told me that he was my center, and Ra was my foundation. I share some of Heru’s qualities and quirks. He’s part of my identity. But if I stray outside of Ra’s boundaries, I’m likely to fall. Nobody likes to be told that they have boundaries, even if we all do. The fact is, that in the past I was sometimes stricken with a sort of spiritual malaise. I felt like I was drifting aimlessly and couldn’t really decide where I was going, where I should go, or even where I wanted to go. I felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere and no one quite knew what to do with me. Losing focus is one of the signs of not understanding boundaries. I hated to admit it, but he was right. I needed a lens through which to focus my light. A diffuse glow might be pretty, but it will never cook ants, or something.
I finally gave in. I told him I would serve him. Not just send offerings in his general direction, but “Jump, how high?” That’s a scary thing to do. I understand that if I refuse a request, he can mess me up. I already have first hand knowledge of what he’s capable of doing to me. But I’m not here because of fear. I’m here because some things are more important than fear. If he tells me to do something that goes against my center, or against Ma’at, I will have to refuse and just deal with what comes. I trust that he won’t do that. He understands how it works as well as, or better than, I do.
So far, it’s going pretty well. He sees potential in my strengths. He sees how my weaknesses are holding me back. Instead of deriding me for them, he’s actively working to help me overcome them. One of his first lessons has been about what service is, and isn’t. He wants me to be strong so I can put that strength to use. He does not want me to devolve into some selfless “yesman.” That would be useless to him. I’m definitely not his equal in this relationship, but that doesn’t mean I am powerless. He has responsibilities too, and he takes them very seriously. He is a god who inspires loyalty and respect. I serve him because he serves Ma’at.
On a personal level, I’m starting to like him. There actually is a sense of humor hidden somewhere under that crown and jewelry. I might have seen him smile once or twice, but don’t tell anyone or I might get in trouble for spreading vicious rumors!