It’s not all fun and games. Ra decided it was time for a healing session. Fun, not.
Some wounds stay buried, especially old ones. You get used to them, then ignore them, but they don’t heal that way. The knots in my muscles represent areas in my energy body where memories of spiritual wounds are stored. He told me to open the energy centers above and below those points so the energy could flow through without getting stuck in there. He had to keep reminding me as he worked, because when you get tense, the natural reaction is to close off. Then he used his energy to enter those spaces. I had to work hard not to fight him. “This is mine, and this is mine,” he whispered to me as he invaded those places I tried to hide from everyone, including myself. It hurt, a lot. Places that had been numb weren’t numb anymore. He teased open the knots and found his way in. He brought back memories I wanted to forget. But his whispers calmed me. He could see my worst and he wasn’t turning away. He accepted all of it.
Then we talked about how each of those wounds were things that went against my name, the name he told to me. I compared the memories and what it was about them that bothered me and realized he was right. They all had that in common. Those are the hardest ones to heal and to let go of. It seems almost impossible. I remembered what I said to him that kicked off that healing session. I told him I was afraid, so he confronted those fears head on.
Then we talked about ways to cope. He pointed out things I’ve already been doing that would get me through. Why the fish pond? Why the blog posts? Why the tai chi classes? Why the interest in making ceramics and faience? I see the underlying reasons now. The things that have fallen to the side were things that didn’t, or no longer, fit with that motivation. I used to think my whims seemed pretty random, but they’re not. We “shone a light” on the good things too. Just as I can’t ignore the bad things and expect them to get better, I also have to understand how the good things fit into the picture. What need am I trying to fill, and am I actually doing that or just going through the motions? Is the need itself identified correctly? It better be, or I may be trying to treat the wrong thing with the wrong medicine.
The drought hurts. The city has authorized a new quarry as part of a deal to save another wildlife area. That hurts. I made a water space. I excavated the earth in a way that gives something back to the wildlife. I see the birds drinking and bathing there. That helps on a small scale. I fear losing what we’ve gained back into the sands. So I’m going to learn how to convert the sand into something that can tell our story and last for centuries. Those humble little blue scarabs are all over the museums now. It’s like planting seeds for the future.
Also, my kiln has just arrived! 😀