Uneasy

I am a cracktastic woo-ist. My stuff is so weird it makes me cringe. There are conservative pagans and Kemetics who would absolutely call blasphemy over some of the things I do on the other side. Luckily, what happens in spiritside, stays in spiritside.  It’s not my goal to piss off the conservatives, or anyone, really. It’s not my job to please them either. I have to live with myself and my gods 24/7. I answer to Them, not to random strangers. It still makes me uneasy though.

I realize now that I have some pretty good reasons for handling my spiritual life in this way. It’s been like this for years, and it’s not likely to change any time soon. Once I get a handle on my current issues, I’m sure something else will take their places. Why? Because I’m not content sitting still. I push against those things that unnerve me for a reason. I am always learning, always expanding my boundaries.

So here’s good news and bad news for the younger spirit workers. The good news is that there is a method to the madness. Keep pushing, keep learning, and you will make progress. The bad news is that it never gets easier. There will always be something else once you scratch this one off the list.

My private journal is full of weirdness, and then whining and rationalization for the weirdness. A few friends do have access to that one, and though they haven’t said so to me, I wonder if they’re sitting on their side of the monitor and telling me to either give up the weird, or learn to deal with it. I’m sure the constant whining is not amusing to read. I am chronically uneasy about the whole thing. I have no idea how the gods put up with me either.

But they do, and most of this was their idea to begin with. They push me beyond my comfort level again and again. The result is that I’m a better person because of it. There are recurring themes here of connection and opening the heart. There is empathy, compassion, and understanding, and many lessons about how I’m the very last person who should throw any stones around. There is shadow work and light work, and some days the light work is the harder of the two.

If it starts to feel easy and controlled, does that mean I’m slacking off? If I’m not standing where I want to be, then probably so. I’m using this as a means to test myself, my inner strengths and weaknesses, and meet them head on. Not all the battles have been won, but my opponent’s face is starting to look familiar.

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