Ah, my old nemesis.
It still looks a lot like fall where I am. Winter, as in the time when trees are bare, is not as long here as in some places. That’s good, because I usually don’t deal very well with it. My best strategy is to bundle up with a good distraction and wait it out. Video game therapy is usually a good choice for this. I’m tempted to write a post about video games as a learning tool, now that the V’s are over and it’s time for W. That seems to happen a lot. It’s also a good time for reading actual books with pages in them.
Winter also tends to signal a shift in my spiritual focus. It tends to be “cooler” for lack of a better term. All that friction and heat that seemed so vital during other parts of the year are not quite as important now. I turn inward, into the depths, and there I see Heru, The Dark One, The Distant One, reflected. He turns to me with that half grin and says, “Come on in, the water’s fine.” Is the water fine? Sometimes it isn’t, but this year, I’m a little more inclined to believe him.
I’ve earned this, I think to myself. I took all those demons he threw at me, and I invited them in for tea. They weren’t demons at all. “You don’t scare me,” I lie. He laughs. It doesn’t matter anyway, does it? I’m still here.
Ra has been teaching me to change. I look back and see the difference between this year and last. It’s hard to say exactly how he’s been doing that, but there it is. Change is hard, grueling work. Nobody likes it. I’ve had my share of friction with the King. He has made me uncomfortable in a number of ways, but I can’t deny the results. It’s far from perfect, but it has improved. I am grateful, in those moments when I’m not grumbling about it.
Heru is the other half. He teaches me to be myself. First I have to figure out that that is someone worth being, someone worth loving, worth holding on to. Those demons he threw at me? Those were me. Taking care of myself has been a recurring theme this year. He has asked me not to harm myself anymore. (Not physical harm, but, I’m pretty creative in other areas.) That request includes harmful thoughts, so it goes pretty deep. Sometimes I’m a little confused on what exactly that means. Is that cookie beneficial because it gives me pleasure? Or harmful when it comes to my long term health? I might be over thinking it. So I break it in half. It was a big cookie anyway. It means, not doing the critics work for them. It means not trying to fit into a mold that I didn’t really want anyway.
It means…this winter, going back to the roots of meditation, and not feeling like I have to rush off the moment I close my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. It means reconnecting with the space and depth within my own soul. Sometimes I catch the scent of fear, or sadness, or anger. He reminds me not to hold on to them. Peace is the foundation of our sky together. I’ve worked hard to find it, and keep it.