The Pagan Blog Project is over for the year. I’m glad I finished it. At the same time, I’m glad I finished it. It was a good challenge, but I don’t think I’m going to go again next year. I’d still like to set a goal of posting at least once a week, but this time not have to scramble for certain topics. I noticed that occasionally I had ideas for things to post about, but I didn’t get around to doing them because I was trying to fill the alphabet.
I have plans for the New Year. New vows, and a new kind of practice. At the same time, it’s really just a formal acknowledgement of something I’ve been doing anyway. I have not heard of any one else doing this thing. That makes me a little nervous because I’m sure there will be those who would swear that it does not, or should not, exist. But if I don’t start talking, then it is almost like I don’t exist. That is starting to get old. I don’t need to be believed or followed or recognized. I just need to exist.
I’ve also been hesitant to write about my experiences because I don’t really want anyone to follow in my footsteps. Gods know I do everything the hard way! I regret none of it, but I’d also be the first to tell you not to do half the crazy stuff I’ve done. Lack of regret is not the same as lack of consequences. A year ago, my chi was badly depleted, enough that I secretly wondered if I would even see another year.
I’m Kemetic because the Kemetic gods wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m not here out of any sense of historical integrity. I think there are a lot of old things that ought to stay buried. I also think there is a lot that can add value to the present. I’m not a recon. I’m not a ritualist. I’m not a historian. I do read, real books with paper pages and named authors and everything, but not with the idea of trying to recreate the past.
In truth, I am a shaman-broke half-crazy journyworkin’ energy channeler. I know how to do magic on a city-wide scale. I don’t actually recommend it, even if it was awesome. I worried over 9/11, and drug wars, and droughts, and freezes. I’ve fought battles and I’ve given myself to the spirits of the land. It wore me out. It seemed like I could never do enough no matter how much I gave of myself. I regret nothing, but it did burn out my chi. Ra has been working hard to fix that. I’m lucky. But for all that effort, there will never be any concrete way for me to know if I had any hand in the good that has come about. It still might be just my imagination. I may have done it all for nothing.
I’m semi-retired from that now. I’m still an energy channeler though. I’m just not quite as reckless about it as I used to be. I still love the rush. I’m not quite as enamored of the hangover. I’m trying to learn a better way. Slow and steady is better. (Aw crap, does this mean I’m growing up? Gods, I hope not!)