Zombie (No More)

I’m speaking in the metaphorical sense here, not the practice of enslavement through poison and trickery, or of the pop culture brain eating phenomenon.

Back when I was in high school, a combination of undiagnosed SAD and high stress, that contributed to actual depression, turned me into what I’ve called a walking zombie, still in motion, but more or less dead inside. It happened every year. I knew it was coming, and I feared its creeping slow onset. Once it took over, I couldn’t feel much of anything.

I remember being called up to the teacher’s desk for yet another exasperated lecture. My instinctive warrior’s temperament told me to show no weakness. I stood, stone faced, until they got done telling me whatever they thought might work on me. My lack of reaction worked nicely against kids who only wanted a cheap form of entertainment. But the teachers took it to mean that I didn’t care at all, and that only infuriated them more. The problem with the stone face is that if you practice it too long, it starts to sink under the skin. You pretend not to feel, and eventually you find that you’re not pretending anymore.

A good portion of my spiritual life has been a reaction against those times. My interpretation of how one should interact with the divine tends to be a bit more lively, or colorful, than what you normally hear about. I joke around a lot. I use foul language. I threaten and tease. I yell and scream. I break down in tears of joy and sorrow and anger. I confess my love quite often. I’ve broken a few unnecessary taboos while I’ve been at it too.

It has been working. The shadow work, and the light work, has been paying off. I’ve been working intensely with Ra. I took risks. I trusted him. It all seemed so strange, but it worked. I feel stronger than I did at this time last year. He gave me a name a year ago, when I finally decided to open up to him, and he’s been teaching me how to embody that. The name has always been there, but it takes encouragement to bring it to the front. He reminds me of what is important and what is not. He has taught me the same lesson over and over all year long: love, relation, connection.

When I want to be proud and aloof, he brings me back to my knees. When I feel cold, he brings me warmth. When I am alone, he tells me to spend time with the family. When I yell, he tries to find out what is wrong instead of yelling back or telling me that I’m wrong. When I feel unworthy, he insists that he will be the one to make that judgement. I call him “Sir.” I hardly ever call anyone that.

I stopped running, and finally admitted that I need him in my life. I’m stronger with him than I was without him. I’m more alive now, even in the dark side of the year.


10 thoughts on “Zombie (No More)

  1. von186 says:

    Its so interesting how he works with you vs. myself. Even so, I’m glad that working with him seems to be helping :>

    • shezep says:

      What has he been like with you? I think you’ve implied before that he’s sort of been a jerk. I’d still like to hear about it.

      • von186 says:

        omggggggggggggg I fell into some sort of Duat-y location and I’ve seen him twice and he’s just so… assy. He’s usually very reserved. Almost.. removed from whatever is going on with me. I feel like he’s way way way way way up there, and I”m way way way way down here and he is only standing in front of me because he has no choice… or something.
        Almost cold, in a way, because he’s so far removed and gives so few fucks XDDD But yeah… just. not mixing well, him and I.

        • shezep says:

          That does actually sound like him. I sort of hated him for a long time. Then he showed up as my father in the RPD, and I, somewhat stupidly, wasn’t thinking about the crap he’d already put me through when I accepted. I spent the longest time wondering WTF he wanted from me.

          Eventually, I realized that it was all an act and he really does care, intensely, about everything. I also have a suspicion that he’s the type of old-fashioned alpha male who treats his “daughters” differently from his “sons.” (More to do with personality than gender, possibly.) I believe that he will spoil the hell out of his daughters, while being stern with the sons in order to toughen them up.

          • von186 says:

            idk. You’d think with O carting me down there, he wouldn’t treat me like a piece of obnoxious mud on his shoes, but that’s pretty much what it came down to. Sometimes, I felt like it was a power play on his part ‘this is still my domain, and you are crazy if you think you’re gonna show up down here and not be under my thumb’ or something equally stupid.
            idk man. So far, we’re not hitting it off very well >.>;

            • shezep says:

              Congratulations! You must have pinged his radar as a fighter. If he was that much of a jerk then he was testing you. He might almost like you.

              Before I got to know him, I wasn’t sure what he expected of me. I just knew that I’d taken an oath, and I wanted to live up to it. At one point, I tried kneeling, to see if that’s what he wanted from me. He slapped me across the floor. Without thinking, I glared at him. That’s when he smiled. A fighter who can’t stand up to him, probably isn’t strong enough to stand up for him.

              If you meet him again, be respectful, follow protocol, but don’t bend your spine.

              • von186 says:

                The first time I kneeled just out of… respect. But I called him an asshole all the same.
                The second time, it was like he wanted to see how long I could stand before I kissed floor. Really really chapped my hide.
                We’ll see what the next round brings. But I really am not interested in rubbing elbows with him hahahaha he can keep to his fancy ass boat and leave me to my chicken feet and mud 😛

                At least it seems our experiences line up. That is comforting, if nothing else.

  2. MeresAset says:

    I too struggled with depression in high school. I often would cut myself off from others and became quite isolated. Ra seems to have helped you in so many ways.

    • shezep says:

      High school was a long time ago, but that stuff can stick around a long time until it’s dealt with. I haven’t always appreciated Ra’s methods, but I admit that he’s been effective. Change is difficult.

  3. Claudia says:

    your blog made me want to explore Ra more closely – I am disconnected from male deities because of past experiences (having nothing to do with deities, but with the male gender – no offense against my Brothers of the Craft), but I can hear a calling, a soft one. Ra is new to me, thanks for the introduction.

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