Integration

I took the vows without any fanfare on New Year’s Eve in between sips of hard cider, while chatting online with my long distance (and spouse approved) girl friend. Basically, I just took the pages where I wrote them out and turned “private” into “public.” Part of me wants to be a chicken about it and hope that no one actually notices or reads them. I guess I’m ruining that right now.

This path has been laid out for a long time. I’ve been alternately ignoring it, forgetting about it, denying it, questioning it, and finally hammering it into something that might be workable. So here I am, not really any different than I was a week ago, but I also feel that something has settled into place.

Heru-sa-Aset has been with me, part of me, my entire life. I don’t really speak for him because he’s been there so long that I can’t really tell which ideas are mine and which are his. It all sort of blends together. It’s like he’s here on a sliding scale that’s never 0% nor 100%. He’s never completely gone, but he never takes over and horses me either. Sometimes he’s paying attention and sometimes he’s not. I don’t usually notice him unless I focus specifically on him, or unless he’s doing something weird. It just is what it is. I’m not looking for a job as anyone’s king or guru. That sounds like a lot of hassle that I don’t need. “Sifu” and “parent” are all the titles I need, and my students call me by name anyway. (I teach a martial art that heals more people than it hurts, and I like it that way.)

I’m not really here to change the world. I’m here to live life, observe, and learn. Maybe to bring him up to date. Maybe to remind him that though old Kemet is gone, we’re not dead yet. We can still have fun and cause trouble. Where there’s life, there’s hope. I absorb the sunlight that powers him. My food is his food. My joy is his joy. This is the foundation of the practice I am forming.

If you are of a more practical mindset, you might notice that this practice is a recipe for curing depression. There’s belief in a greater purpose, and a higher power. There’s the part where you confront your problems without allowing yourself to get lost in them. There’s a focus on daily life and the upkeep thereof. There’s the appreciation for blessings big and small. I have to keep moving, not just for me, but for both of us, without being hard on myself if I don’t quite get there. “No self harm” was a big one he wanted me to think about. If we’re tied together, then harming myself also harms him. I can’t let myself do that. No hyper-critical self talk allowed. Do or do not, then shut up about it.

I pay attention to the things that make good offerings. Spending time with family and friends is a good offering. Practicing martial arts and teaching is a good offering. Taking care of the body, while also enjoying treats in moderation, is a good offering. I want to make him smile, and we happen to like a lot of the same things. Getting lazy and overindulgent is not a good offering. Ignoring my own feelings and shutting others out also does not work well. Balance, Ma’at, must be maintained.

Anyway, I’m not doing this for the Kemetic Community. I think it’s great that there is a community. I do want to see it succeed. Knowing it exists makes things easier, that’s for sure. But I feel I’m here more for internal reasons than external ones. I might dabble in community things here and there, but if I have to make a choice, I’ll always choose him first. Naysayers will have to speak to my backside, and that’s just how it is.

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