Blended Identity

The first time I met Heru while in meditation, I met him from the inside. I felt what he felt. I saw what he saw. I wore his clothes. I said his words. I knew that it was him, and not me, performing those actions because the situation was foreign to me. From that moment on, we were inseparable. No, not really. I ran away, partly because I knew how crazy that sounded, and partly because He wasn’t in a good mood at the time.

Much later, I discovered that it really wasn’t that uncommon for Kemetics to take on the roles of various deities in their magic. Some spells have the speaker jumping around, claiming to be several gods within the same verse! In later times, up into the present, it would become unthinkable to make such grandiose claims. But they did it back then.

You could say that those magicians had egos of incredible size. I’m sure that some of them did. You could say that it was a form of sympathetic magic. If I say that I’m DeityX and that I’m doing Y, then maybe DeityX will really do Y for me. Neither one of those explanations apply in the example I gave above. It just happened. If anything, such an experience calls the ego into some serious question. If I’m not always “me,” then what is “me?” This is starting to sound a little bit Buddhist. Was I a human dreaming about being a god, or is the god dreaming about being a human? (Exchange “god” for “butterfly” if you like.)

Common wisdom states that each person is an individual, “one who can’t be divided.” That definition doesn’t really apply to Kemetic deities. Heru once chopped off his hands, and they got along just fine without him for awhile. (That story always has me picturing Thing and his twin scampering along the bed of the Nile and harassing passing swimmers.) Kemetic deities can be divided. They can also merge together. They can shift and change.

Egos are extremely invested in the idea of individuality. I try not to be too hard on the poor thing. It’s mainly concerned with self-preservation, which is a worthy goal. It just doesn’t stand up very well under the light of mystical experience. My definition of the word “I” has gotten soft. Soft like a comfy old couch that He sometimes rests upon, like a house guest who doesn’t leave. Sometimes my ego wants its couch back.

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6 thoughts on “Blended Identity

  1. Amare says:

    Egos have a really hard time with individuality versus being a part of something ‘larger’ spirit-side. The question of ‘who am I?’ gets really muddled and weird – and the ego naturally claims “ME!!!”, even as the mind starts going ‘wait, that’s not the entirety…’.

    Am I still ‘me’ when I dream? That’s usually where I take the thoughts – as in dreams many times I know things that I don’t know here, and am definitely doing things I cannot do/would not do here. Yet I remember them and was ‘me’ while in them… thus even though this waking ego was not there, something deeper that is more my true self was. The waking ego has a hard time with that and fights against it.

    The song ‘Live To Rise’ from Soundgarden comes to mind:

    “What if all you understand
    Could fit into the center of our hand?
    Then you found it wasn’t you
    Who held the sum of everything you knew

    We’re insane but not alone,
    You hold on and let go”

    • shezep says:

      “Like the sun, we will live to rise!”

      Good to see that my totally-not-biased-at-all girl friend got an account to cheer me on. ❤

      Am I still "me" when I do journeywork and shift into a hawk or a griffon or a hyper intelligent shade of the color blue that burns like the sun? Am I still me when I get upset over things that happened thousands of years ago that I honestly don't even remember?

      My ego really wishes that my spiritual nature made sense and could be spoken of in public without getting (rightfully) all nervous about it.

  2. Heru is good for that indwelling stuff, I think that’s why I’m afraid to interact with him any more than necessary. I don’t know if this is just something that was set up in my mind because I first came to the Kemetic deities from a book that was big on the “we’re all Herus!” (even though really, Heru is Heru,) or what, but in the last year or two that I’ve been intentionally putting out feelers & getting to know different deities, most of them have stayed “out there”. Not so Heru-sa-Aset, and the consciousness shift/lurch is kind of like the dizzy of being drunk but with more lucid hyper-awareness and the instinctive threat of the incoming being too big. I don’t know how you do it, and in a similar vein I can only image facilitating a K.O. Heru saq must be goddamn terrifying, too. He seems really cool, and a very helpful and engaged/active deity, I’d like to get to know him more, but every time I give him a nod the response involves coming in to contact with almost a magnetic field that reacts on the body to look for a contact point, not even intentionally but incidentally. I guess that’s characteristic to an extent then, it’s just a bit much if you haven’t psyched yourself into handling it. I’m glad to have it corroborated though because now I don’t completely feel like I just bit off of some crunchy new-age book hook-line-&-sinker and that it’s really a “thing” with…perhaps THE person that knows Heru the most.

    Anyway…tl;dr, your raptors pack a punch.

    • shezep says:

      Yeah, the other deities don’t do this with me, only him. The really annoying part is that I seem to be connected to one of his wounded aspects, which is not fun at all. Sometimes I do talk to other Heru aspects that are on the outside, mostly.

      Those magnetic feeler things could be part of his kingly magic. He acts something like a network hub, connecting people together. Tamara does have that magic. I’ve felt it in her. The thing is, I recognized what it was because I’ve used those kinds of connections before while doing civic magic. Mine tend to connect to spirits rather than humans though. So when she says she’s the only one with the kingly ka, she may be right, with a few qualifiers. I know what it feels like to dig my roots into the ground and stretch out for miles. She never seemed to have any interest in discussing it with me though.

      Heru has never kicked me out and horsed me, like they do at saq. On the other side, his energy has been with me since I was born. He’s never completely gone. Sometimes he’s just paying more attention than at other times.

  3. von186 says:

    I’ve found that individuality and singularity within the Unseen just doesn’t happen. I’ve watched people cleave parts of themeslves off. I’ve watched them merge back together. I’ve watched people merge and separate…. and operate perfectly fine at all levels.
    Its only here in this plane that it becomes an issue XDD

    • shezep says:

      A lot of things turn into issues under the light of day that seemed perfectly natural over there. What happens in spirit-side should stay in spirit-side? But I get sick and tired of hiding, and if we don’t talk about those things, those who come after us will have no idea what they’re in for.

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