I am “doing the work.” The problem is that most of the time, I can’t talk about it. That’s not because I think it’s super secret. It’s because I know exactly how bad it would sound. I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.
I’m torn between coming out with things and risk alienating a lot of people, or just keeping this blog public-friendly. I don’t like either of those options. I do care what people think, but the inability to speak freely chafes. I’ve taken some steps in that direction. I try to choose my words carefully. There is no simple answer.
Maybe I’m not quite sure what I want this blog to be. Do I want to keep it small and intimate? Or do I want to appeal to a wider audience? I can’t really do both.
When I visit Ra, most of the time we’re in the Sun Room, his private quarters. I act much differently there than I do when he takes me to Court. In the Sun Room I can be raw and honest. In Court, you might mistake me for one of those stone statues.
I do have a private blog where I can put all those Sun Room things. I thought it would be fine to use this one differently. So why doesn’t it feel fine? I understand the purpose of Court. It doesn’t mean I like it. But if you’re doing the stone faced thing, that means you’re not really playing the game. It means you’re letting others play for you.
What do I want to say? And what are my motives for saying them? My actual motives are that I want to talk about the things that are such a huge part of my life. The problem is that others will assign different motives. Most likely shock value or self-importance, when I really just want to have a conversation about advanced energy work theory.
Can I say that I’m Ra’s nek-boy without having everyone shun me? Probably not. And once I’m shunned it’s too late to give the very rational explanations for why it has worked out that way. Even if I did get that far, it’s so far outside of most people’s experiences that they wouldn’t know how to put it in context. If we can’t get past that, then we can’t even begin to talk about the magic that is the real focus of the act.
Fighting, fucking and healing are all the same thing. That is what Wakinyan taught me. That’s the kind of magician I am. (If you think about it, that’s what kind of magician Heru is too.) That is the triad that I understand, in the astral anyway. My daily life is pretty boring. I can’t talk about passion and the exchange of power. I can’t talk about fire and blood and seed. I can’t talk about how I got the burns or bandages on my astral body. I can’t talk about how as soon as it heals I will feel compelled to go out and do it all again because the job isn’t finished yet.
I remember kneeling before Wesir’s throne. My body was covered in scars that shone silver because I had earned them while in service to Heru. The judges turned their backs, saying that they had no questions for me. I’m not temple pure, but I do the work.