Angst

I am “doing the work.” The problem is that most of the time, I can’t talk about it. That’s not because I think it’s super secret. It’s because I know exactly how bad it would sound. I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

I’m torn between coming out with things and risk alienating a lot of people, or just keeping this blog public-friendly. I don’t like either of those options. I do care what people think, but the inability to speak freely chafes. I’ve taken some steps in that direction. I try to choose my words carefully. There is no simple answer.

Maybe I’m not quite sure what I want this blog to be. Do I want to keep it small and intimate? Or do I want to appeal to a wider audience? I can’t really do both.

When I visit Ra, most of the time we’re in the Sun Room, his private quarters. I act much differently there than I do when he takes me to Court. In the Sun Room I can be raw and honest. In Court, you might mistake me for one of those stone statues.

I do have a private blog where I can put all those Sun Room things. I thought it would be fine to use this one differently. So why doesn’t it feel fine? I understand the purpose of Court. It doesn’t mean I like it. But if you’re doing the stone faced thing, that means you’re not really playing the game. It means you’re letting others play for you.

What do I want to say? And what are my motives for saying them? My actual motives are that I want to talk about the things that are such a huge part of my life. The problem is that others will assign different motives. Most likely shock value or self-importance, when I really just want to have a conversation about advanced energy work theory.

Can I say that I’m Ra’s nek-boy without having everyone shun me? Probably not. And once I’m shunned it’s too late to give the very rational explanations for why it has worked out that way. Even if I did get that far, it’s so far outside of most people’s experiences that they wouldn’t know how to put it in context. If we can’t get past that, then we can’t even begin to talk about the magic that is the real focus of the act.

Fighting, fucking and healing are all the same thing. That is what Wakinyan taught me. That’s the kind of magician I am. (If you think about it, that’s what kind of magician Heru is too.) That is the triad that I understand, in the astral anyway. My daily life is pretty boring. I can’t talk about passion and the exchange of power. I can’t talk about fire and blood and seed. I can’t talk about how I got the burns or bandages on my astral body. I can’t talk about how as soon as it heals I will feel compelled to go out and do it all again because the job isn’t finished yet.

I remember kneeling before Wesir’s throne. My body was covered in scars that shone silver because I had earned them while in service to Heru. The judges turned their backs, saying that they had no questions for me. I’m not temple pure, but I do the work.

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25 thoughts on “Angst

  1. naiadis says:

    Sharing is scary, and dangerous, and can often alienate those we want to connect with, which is a shame. There is much I don’t write about publicly, most of the time because I don’t feel much like it, but sometimes because I feel uncomfortable sharing. Way back when I discovered such a thing as sacred marriage, I wanted to talk about it to all and sundry, and to my chagrin, I did. It was a bit cart before the horse, and it was off-putting for others, and I understand why it would be. And I still think it’s something that should be talked about, but at the same time, I don’t want to, not even vague detail, publicly. It has got to be that much more difficult for someone trying to connect to a wider community on a regular basis. Oh so not helpful comment here. Just, I hear you.

    • shezep says:

      A sympathetic ear is always helpful. 🙂

      I’m not actually Ra’s spouse. When I agreed to be his servant he made a joke about me being his wife. I felt that it was important to tell him that I was not volunteering for that. I’ve heard of godspouses before, but this is a different arrangement. It might seem strange because a servant is a step down from spouse, but there are other implications that don’t apply. He is my king and my lord, not my romantic interest. I love him, but not in that way.

      • naiadis says:

        Ah, me being clear as mud, per usual. I didn’t take from your post that you were in a spousal relationship; I was simply likening my own “things that we may not want to talk about even when we DO want to talk about them” with your “things we may not want to talk about even when we DO want to talk about them”; my experience with that revolves primarily around sacred marriage (mostly? Sort of? I’m not sure? Definitive labels placed upon my interactions with Poseidon is daunting?), so that’s how I can relate to what you are saying.

  2. arcturusangel says:

    I hear you. At one point I had a public-friendly blog in which I didn’t talk about any “weird” things. Set thought I was being cowardly and that I should just write the truth and not give a damn what anyone thinks. So I did, and became the outcast who “posts weird nauseating fluff.” Was it worth it? I don’t know. Right now I think not.

    • shezep says:

      Weird stuff happens whether people like it or not. Their disapproval doesn’t stop it from happening. Whether it’s worth talking about, I’m not sure either. I just know that not doing so has been annoying the crap out of me.

  3. von186 says:

    “Fighting, fucking and healing are all the same thing.”
    Very very much this. I have found the three to overlap a lot in my astral life.
    I also understand wanting to write freely and not feeling safe to do so. I, too, have an astral blog where I keep my tidbits, but I’ve found over the months that no one is interested in that. Not to mention that letting the wrong people in on my astral work ended up costing me in terms of safety. Information is certainly valuable in certain markets.
    So sadly, I don’t really have an answer. More and more I’m finding Kemetics who have spirit work and astral lives and they want to have a safe place to talk about it, esp with people who are knowledgable, but I’m not really sure how to go about making such a thing.
    So yeah :\

    • shezep says:

      There are friend-locked blogs, password protected forums. Let’s do something. Yes, I do know all the ways such a thing can go sour, but, I’m bored.

      • von186 says:

        If you have ideas, I’m game. idk what hte best way to handle all of this is, sadly. I’ve been burned by the tumblr spirit worker community, so that place is out for me (publicly, at least). And we’d have to find a way to vet people before they get in.
        But I am open. It’s been made apparent to me that this is going to be a priority of some kind. So yeah.
        I’m all ears.

        • shezep says:

          Tumblr is completely unregulated, which is why I’ve never had an account there. I used to run a chat room, and that was a headache, but it might be less so if membership is limited. We could do something that’s invitation only, but then we run the risk of not developing enough critical mass to keep it going. Scheduling events once a week seems to help with low population so people don’t expect to see new things every single day, and they know when to check in.

          There are free options that sometimes have problems with stability and security, but might work in the short term. And there are paid options that give a more customized feel. Chat rooms are great for getting to know people on a personal level. Blogs encourage in depth sharing. Forums allow for conversations over time and work well as an archive.

          On the down sides, chat rooms require people to actually be present at the same time and are difficult to regulate. Blogs run the risk of feeling like you’re speaking to dead air because people may like the post but don’t know how to comment back. Forums run the risk of devolving into pointless bickering. If we’re sharing sensitive info, there’s always the risk of someone coming in and doing a copy-paste or a screenshot. We have to settle for “good enough” because perfect doesn’t exist.

          Added: send me an email at shezep at spam me and be cursed gmail. this is getting long.

  4. Sashataakheru says:

    Yeah, I keep a private blog too for all the stuff I don’t feel comfortable talking about publicly, particularly with regards to my relationship with Sobek. Some of that isn’t actually allowed to be shared because Mysteries, but not all of it falls under that category, and sometimes, I want to share things, but chicken out of it. And I think that’s partly because no one else is sharing those kind of things either, so I hesitate and post it privately, just like I think everyone else is doing.

    The more kinky/sexual aspects of how I relate to Sobek, for example, and the meditations we’ve had together lately. Some things I’ve done with Hekate. I want to talk about those kind of things without feeling like I’d be exiled or whatnot. I don’t think what I do with Sobek is really astral, but it’s still in the same sort of genre, I think. Lucid dreaming, perhaps. He keeps taking me to the temple at Bakhu. Because … reasons. IDK. I’ve met Hekate there too. It’s a liminal place. That might be why.

    I mean, in some ways, having a relationship with Sobek that doesn’t encompass His sexual aspects feels half-done? Because that’s a big part of His character and role. He feasts as He fucks, etc. But I still feel weird talking about it publicly.

    • shezep says:

      It’s pretty hard to ignore the sexual nature of the Kemetic deities. Virility and fertility are virtues that have real metaphysical importance. Leave it to modern western culture to get it all wrong. It is part of what I do, but it is not the most important or even the most exciting part.

      I would like to just be able to talk about some things without having to edit every word.

      • Sashataakheru says:

        Yeah, I know what you mean. The sexual aspects of my practice are more often a tool than a thing in and of itself, but it is hard sometimes to talk about it without feeling like I’m oversharing or being weird and vague about it. Which would probably go away if more of us talked about these things, so when we thought about whether to post, we’d see others posting about these things, and not feel quite so alone in wanting to share. But inertia. It’s a bitch.

  5. Mechi Badb says:

    For the 100 or so people who think you’re a nutter there one or two who are looking for the type of information you’re posting and are pretty much alone in their practice, wondering to themselves if they’ve lost their minds,. Post for them and ignore the rest. That’s why I think the “Gods” want us to post our experiences. Keeping a record of your experiences allow you to measure your own progress and look back at what you’ve accomplished. I also see it as a way to unlock the truth about things that seem like a mystery, since some Netjer like to talk in riddles. Looking back on older posts we can sometimes see something we might have missed had we not written any of it down, so it helps our own progress as well.

    • shezep says:

      I agree. I post a lot of this on my friends only blog, but it does bother me when I hear of others struggling with the same things and not really having anyone to talk to.

  6. I don’t know if this will work for you, but WordPress does have the option to allow published posts that are password protected. For example, I put some posts behind a password protection just so I can keep a record and share with husband.

    Another option is to start a completely private blog and than invite someone on as an administrator or co-editor (the number you can invite is unlimited). I’ve done that for a business project that I’m working on because there is a lot of data I need to get down in written form and I need comments from my partner about it. The blog format allows me to do hyperlinks and post photos, etc…

    Remember that unless the area is password protected it will be searched and classified by search engines.

    I’ve really enjoyed your blog so I hope you don’t go completely private 🙂

  7. arcturusangel says:

    What a Dreamwidth community? A lot of Kemetic spiritworkers are already there. On DW, you can create a community and approve members, hide entries from the public, etc.

    • Raawy says:

      I’m glad to see I’m not alone in wishing there were a place to discuss the…oddities of spiritual practice, especially amongst much of the Kemetic community.

      Even if you keep things private, please keep writing Shezep.

  8. briarrose44 says:

    I’d be interested in a private forum/blog community/whatever, mostly to bounce idea around regarding my relationship with Anubis. I talk about it on my WP blog, but in vague terms, and I’d like to go to someone more experienced and say “okay, I want to bounce ideas off you,” and know they won’t look at me like I’m insane while I explain stuff.

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