Measuring Spoons

I have a chronic spoon shortage. In netland, spoons have become a measure of energy, the ability to get stuff done. Compound a low spoon count with a few discernment issues, and I constantly feel like I can’t accomplish much. I would like to, I really would. I have a long list of things I want to do, if only.

I have a huge respect, and a little jealousy, for those who have it all together, or at least, those who look like they do.

When I’m sitting at my desk and my entire body is telling me over and over how very tired I am, then what do I do? Doing anything other than taking a nap or browsing the web requires a force of will. The problem is that willpower and spoons seem to travel together. If you lack one, it’s harder to get the other one in gear. Inertia is a bitch. It’s easy to get up once and psych myself into doing something on my lengthy list. Then the next day comes around, and the momentum has stalled out. Willpower is a finite resource. It is a muscle that must be used and exercised. It can also become fatigued. It also requires rest and restoration.

That’s where the discernment comes in. When I push myself, does that count as exercise, which over a period of time will enable me to hang on to more of my spoons? Or am I pushing too hard and headed for a slump? Before you answer that, check in with your latest New Year’s Resolutions.

A good portion of my spirituality is focused on transformation, a.k.a. changing myself. If there’s a problem, I assume it is usually caused by that person in the mirror. The trick is to also be compassionate about that same poor sod who has to put up with me everyday.

I’m getting to know a new me lately. Our integration isn’t exactly smooth, but there are some good points to be found here. You might call it a shard in the shamanic soul retrieval sense of the word. This other me is both familiar and different at the same time. This one appears to have some attributes relating to service. He actually enjoys calm, seemingly unimportant, tasks that makes life just a little bit easier. Saturday, I cleaned the kitchen. Yesterday, I swept the back porch. This morning, I practiced tai chi on the clean porch. It didn’t take many spoons, because he found the tasks to be peaceful. I could get used to this. I’m still tired, and I don’t plan on keeping this up all day, but at least now there is a little more peace in the house.

Blue Silver

After the reiki session I was feeling very relaxed. I felt more like myself, whatever that means. I casually bent over and petted the shy kitty who barely tolerated my presence before. The rough spots felt smooth again. Later, I thought back and realized that it wasn’t just about the feathers and claws and the shift towards being other. The blue silver had returned.

Once upon a time, years ago, in the stories I told to myself growing up, my feathers were coated with the blue silver. My sword was also blue silver. It was my armor and my edge. Later, I put down the sword. My feathers went back to their natural hawk brown. I was proud of this earthly look. What use did I have for shiny silver? It’s ok to be “normal.” I lived in that city with adobe walls and animal people, and was happy just getting by. Or so I said.

The silver meant I was In Service, with capital letters.

It’s back, and I realize I’m not quite me without it. I did pledge to serve Ra, and through him the greater order, didn’t I? I am In Service, though it’s a little scary to think about. I had good reasons for giving it up before. I was good, and the silver was good, but together we were headed someplace where we should not go. How do I know it won’t happen again? This is all very vague, but vague is the only way I know how to write it.

In Service, is it? How do I know I can trust you? How do I know I can trust myself? How can I refuse to try?

Shifty

“Are you sure you’re not a multiple?” she asked while sitting on the floor after doing reiki on me.

“Well, almost,” I replied. I explained later that I shift a lot (in the astral) and that it also changes my mindset, but it’s all essentially still me.

She said there were several of me in there, and one of them kept making fun of her. I can only guess that he was trying to deflect her from getting too deep into the serious stuff that I’d rather not share. She said I didn’t have a well defined shape, but by the end she was able to get me to consolidate into a steady form. She said she thought I was just humoring her.

I did feel more balanced by the time she was done, but I also felt less human. In my mind’s eye, I had feathers sprouting through my hair, and long, three inch talons growing from my hands and feet. The talons were made of blue silver. That shape was not “the” shape. It was just “a” shape, a balance of various forces present at that particular time. Collapse the wave function and that is where it landed.

I examined the feeling. I knew it wouldn’t last. It never does. I live with humans. I talk like a human. I think like a human. It’s just not very balanced for me to maintain that shape all the time. I start to lose track of the other parts of myself. Bast warned me about that not too long ago. I told my friends about the netjeri hounds and how it sounded like it would be really fun to let myself shift and just go run with them for awhile.

KRT: Kingship

Does the concept of Kingship/Pharaoh impact your practice, and if so, how?

With Heru-sa-Aset and Ra as my primary deities, it’s really hard to ignore the concept. I like to present myself as an easy-going dude, but scratch the surface and you’ll find that I really do watch everyone and everything around me very closely.

That started when I was in school. I watched my teachers very closely. I was a challenge to them. Some of them met the challenge very professionally. Some did not. A very few went beyond the strict guidelines of the job to make sure I was cared for despite, or maybe because of, the challenges I presented. I got a lot of ideas about what makes a good leader and what does not. I respected professionalism, but I loved those who went the extra mile. They’re the ones who put their snap judgements aside and really tried to see the situation clearly. They saw me not as an opponent that needed to be pounded into submission, but as a child who needed extra care. Those kinds of people are rare in the world, and I appreciate them whenever I see them.

I try to be one of those people, and it’s hard. It’s so much easier to get frustrated and angry. It’s easier to be dismissive. It’s easier to toss people aside or ignore them because they don’t quite fit your expectations.

It’s even harder with a group of people who have varying wants and needs. I’m not saying I was ever a king, but you’ll run into certain types of things in any leadership position. Saying “yes” to one thing means saying “no” to another. People expect you to take sides and give special treatment to friends. They get mad if you don’t, but then you’ll be running afoul of Ma’at if you do. The needs of the whole must always come first. It’s not personal. It can’t be. A good leader is not “The one who calls the shots.” A good leader is “The one who serves the whole.” Every action and every word must be weighed carefully. It’s a horrible job. I wouldn’t want it.

A farmer cultivates the land. A King, a good leader, cultivates people. You can get by with professionalism. In fact, if you can maintain that kind of order then you are a huge step ahead of the majority of people who can’t follow their own rules. Fairness, Ma’at, is the cornerstone of good leadership. But if you want to go from good to great, you need Ankh, you need to cultivate life. You must actively help those around you to grow strong and vibrant. Measure a king not by their own greatness, but by the greatness they inspire around them.

If you want to be royalty, then act like royalty. Be the better person. Live in Ma’at. Strengthen and care for your brothers and sisters.