After the reiki session I was feeling very relaxed. I felt more like myself, whatever that means. I casually bent over and petted the shy kitty who barely tolerated my presence before. The rough spots felt smooth again. Later, I thought back and realized that it wasn’t just about the feathers and claws and the shift towards being other. The blue silver had returned.
Once upon a time, years ago, in the stories I told to myself growing up, my feathers were coated with the blue silver. My sword was also blue silver. It was my armor and my edge. Later, I put down the sword. My feathers went back to their natural hawk brown. I was proud of this earthly look. What use did I have for shiny silver? It’s ok to be “normal.” I lived in that city with adobe walls and animal people, and was happy just getting by. Or so I said.
The silver meant I was In Service, with capital letters.
It’s back, and I realize I’m not quite me without it. I did pledge to serve Ra, and through him the greater order, didn’t I? I am In Service, though it’s a little scary to think about. I had good reasons for giving it up before. I was good, and the silver was good, but together we were headed someplace where we should not go. How do I know it won’t happen again? This is all very vague, but vague is the only way I know how to write it.
In Service, is it? How do I know I can trust you? How do I know I can trust myself? How can I refuse to try?