I have a chronic spoon shortage. In netland, spoons have become a measure of energy, the ability to get stuff done. Compound a low spoon count with a few discernment issues, and I constantly feel like I can’t accomplish much. I would like to, I really would. I have a long list of things I want to do, if only.
I have a huge respect, and a little jealousy, for those who have it all together, or at least, those who look like they do.
When I’m sitting at my desk and my entire body is telling me over and over how very tired I am, then what do I do? Doing anything other than taking a nap or browsing the web requires a force of will. The problem is that willpower and spoons seem to travel together. If you lack one, it’s harder to get the other one in gear. Inertia is a bitch. It’s easy to get up once and psych myself into doing something on my lengthy list. Then the next day comes around, and the momentum has stalled out. Willpower is a finite resource. It is a muscle that must be used and exercised. It can also become fatigued. It also requires rest and restoration.
That’s where the discernment comes in. When I push myself, does that count as exercise, which over a period of time will enable me to hang on to more of my spoons? Or am I pushing too hard and headed for a slump? Before you answer that, check in with your latest New Year’s Resolutions.
A good portion of my spirituality is focused on transformation, a.k.a. changing myself. If there’s a problem, I assume it is usually caused by that person in the mirror. The trick is to also be compassionate about that same poor sod who has to put up with me everyday.
I’m getting to know a new me lately. Our integration isn’t exactly smooth, but there are some good points to be found here. You might call it a shard in the shamanic soul retrieval sense of the word. This other me is both familiar and different at the same time. This one appears to have some attributes relating to service. He actually enjoys calm, seemingly unimportant, tasks that makes life just a little bit easier. Saturday, I cleaned the kitchen. Yesterday, I swept the back porch. This morning, I practiced tai chi on the clean porch. It didn’t take many spoons, because he found the tasks to be peaceful. I could get used to this. I’m still tired, and I don’t plan on keeping this up all day, but at least now there is a little more peace in the house.