Usually Hethert gives me that lecture, on those rare occasions when she decides to visit. It sounds like the kind of thing she’d say. More recently, Ra was the one telling me to do this.
My relationship with Ra is complicated, but it really doesn’t have to be. I’m the one who is complicating it. I expect him to be more judgmental and demanding than he actually is. He has already decided that I’m worth his time and his energy. Don’t ask me why. He’s already decided that he likes me. Don’t ask me why. And that’s part of the problem. I’m always asking why. I feel like there has to be a reason. I can’t just trust it and move on. This must get really annoying for him.
Love couldn’t possibly be the reason for anything he does, right? There has to be some kind of big picture objective reason for every single thing, right? The moment I stop being a good servant, he’s going to lose interest in me, right?
Wrong. It really is insulting to assume that he would be such a dick. It’s true that he’s not terribly demonstrative, and it’s true that he does have plans. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t also care. He does care. He tells me so, and in my moments of self-doubt, I (in)conveniently forget that he means it.
“Open your heart,” he tells me, barely masking his annoyance that he has to remind me yet again.
Yes, but if I do that, things might happen, scary things.
How can I play with this fire without getting burned? I can’t. It will happen sooner or later. How do I stand in the presence of the gods without breaking down? I can talk to them just fine with that barrier between us, but once that comes down… None of the rational advice can help me then.
But if my heart is closed, as I’m used to it being, it affects everything. I’m still a nice person, but I’m “just” a “nice” person. I say the right things. I hold people at arm’s length, including my family. I make encouraging faces as I stand on the sideline. I give reasonable advice. I try to follow the reasonable advice. Then I wonder why I feel lonely when I’m never actually alone. Then I wonder why it isn’t working.
It’s easier to talk about things and methods. It’s not easy at all to talk about the love part of devotion. What can I say about the deep, warm feel of his voice? What about how he’s always there when I need him? Even if I seem less than grateful? What about the touch of love, power and eternity? It’s easy to see the stern, authoritative king, and forget about the qualities that have made him one. Ra is love. Every god worthy of worship is love. They each have different ways of expressing it, but if your heart isn’t open, then how will you understand?