I am not ok.
No one I know is sick. My own cough is probably, still after a month, a result of allergies and air quality. My family has been lucky in that none of us depend on service jobs to get by. We’re house nerds, on a disability income, so life hasn’t even changed all that much, except that taking my wife to her many appointments during the week has mostly ceased. You’d think I’d be glad for the vacation from cursing at traffic and sitting in waiting rooms. But even from my cozy shelter in place, I can feel what’s going on.
I’m somewhat relieved that I retired from civic magic, otherwise I’d be going even more crazy. I was here through 9/11 and the cartel wars across the river. I would have wanted to Do Something and spend every last ounce of energy I have on it. The city is doing ok though. I see plenty of evidence of others carrying that banner. I see lots of banners, food banks, school cafeterias handing out to-go lunches for kids, health care, people staffing drive-thrus wearing cloth masks, security guards at the grocery, gently reminding people to keep their distance. I’m sure there’s a lot of things I don’t see too.
Even so, it’s hard to think, hard to relax. I thought I’d get more writing done, but that’s slow going. I ended up doing the thing I usually do when winter depression sets in, download a game, disappear into it for hours, then suffer for days when the tendinitis kicks in.
And where is my faith at this time? A bit shaky to be honest. Nothing has really changed, except for my attitude. I still talk to Them as much as I ever did, possibly even more, but I’m not sure how much I can trust. Neither side of the divide feels real, and yet they both do. On that side, it’s difficult to see or hear very well. I’m never sure if I’m interpreting things correctly. On this side, I can’t feel things the way I do over there. It’s like wearing a space suit every day. Touch is only skin deep, and words are a poor substitute for meaning. Half of me is here and half of me is there.
I’m sure one could have a good time comparing the new social distancing order with the internal separation I’m feeling, but that internal divide isn’t new. It’s the reason I wasn’t able to do senut. Sitting on one side of the altar while They were strictly on the other side of it did bad things to my state of mind. It felt like talking to my family from a prison phone booth. Some people are grateful to have a phone at all, but all I kept seeing was that invisible pane of plexiglass between us.
I’ve got people that I love, who love me, on both sides, and yet I still think of myself as being alone. What about the person in the middle? I keep forgetting that one. That’s the missing link right there, the bridge between one and the other. You learn a thing. You know it’s important, and then you forget it again. “Love yourself. That’s an order, not a suggestion.” That goes triple these days, doesn’t it? Love is not just something to turn outward. It’s important to turn it inward as well.
(Remember, when dividing Love by Deserve, multiply it by Deserve over Do it Anyway. Deserve cancels out and you end up with Love over Do it Anyway. I may or may not have been doing a lot of homeschool math tutoring.)
Love/Deserve x Deserve/Do It Anyway =
Love/Deserve x Deserve/Do It Anyway =
Love/Do It Anyway
Yup. Lockdown brain. I haz it.