Finding Your Value

I remember talking to Wepwawet a few months back. I was feeling depressed and worthless because I hadn’t been doing much of anything. I was burned out in more ways than one. I told him I felt bad because I couldn’t do those things anymore. He said that was ok, because I had been doing them for the wrong reasons. Better to drop them than to continue down that path.

He wasn’t telling me to do nothing. He wanted me to think.

The burn out itself was an indication that the path was not sustainable. I thought it was ok to take let myself get scratched up while getting things done. Why? Because I didn’t think I was worth that much to begin with. My own losses were acceptable. Isn’t that what it means to be a hero?

Oh, but look at that ego! Trying to get that low self esteem to make a U-turn by way of noble self sacrifice. Guess what, it doesn’t work that way. You can’t fill a hole by digging it deeper. You can’t discover your own value when you continue to devalue yourself. And you can’t cheat by looking for that value from the outside. Outside praise is like ice cream. It is sweet and cool on the tongue and oh-so tempting, but it melts fast and you probably shouldn’t try to sustain yourself on it. Ice cream isn’t evil, it’s just not a substitute for real nourishment.

If the problem is that you don’t value yourself, that gives you a clue on where to look. How do you learn to value yourself? If this is a problem that you suffer from, it’s nearly certain that your brain can come up with a thousand reasons why you should not. Chances are good that other people told you that crap over a long period of time. I grew up hearing a lot of it. Funny story, but Heru-sa-Aset grew up with that too. It’s an odd mix of “chosen one” and “total loser.” It’s a flavor I know well. With that kind of pressure, you might grow up feeling that those are the only two options available to you.

Both of those messages are unrealistic and untrue. Both of them can do you harm. It sets you up to believe that anything less than perfection is failure. It’s never going to be “good enough.” But Chosen Ones can be replaced, and focusing on them denies the fact that anything really good in life is put together by groups of people working together. The Total Loser doesn’t exist except in the minds of those who have their own problems with understanding value.

During my time away I completely ignored the Chosen One crap. The world didn’t end. I discovered that I was not a Total Loser either, in fact, I had more time to devote to the people around me. I started making progress on things that had been stalled out for a long time.

I discovered that self-love is not dependent upon those kinds of value judgments. Do you make other people pass impossible hurdles before you decide to love them? I hope not. With that love, I started to discover my own value, no more and no less than you’d value any other loved one. Those destructive situations where I used to push myself too hard are no longer acceptable. Rather than grin and bear it, it’s time to make adjustments and accommodations, and outright refusals when the others aren’t enough. At the same time, I value the abilities that I do have. Maybe hiding away on a shelf is no longer acceptable either, because honestly, that’s no fun. All things in balance, right?

Thunder Being

Warnings: violence (pretty much all astral, my daily life is much more tame), self-harm (also astral), probably appropriation, but I was introduced to her in good faith, and I did my best to serve as she asked of me. I’ve been told that it can happen though, so I’d be called a Thunder Dreamer and not a Heyoka. As an outsider, my perspective probably differs from tradition, and I am leaving some stuff out. Don’t go looking for her. You have no idea what you’d be in for. S/He* is absolutely a “gloves off” kind of spirit who can kill you.

 

The storm rumbled and flashed like it had something to say. I turned off the music and shut everything down because the lightning was getting serious. Ib-heru confirmed that this was not Set’s storm. It belonged to someone else, someone who was very much present this night.

I caught him staring up at her in awe and worship, captivated by her absolute beauty, and I thought, “Oh, no, no. We can’t do this a second time!” I used to look at her the same way. To see her is to go insane, and love is a form of madness. Imagine what would happen if Ma’at synchretized with Set. It’s not that simple, of course, but it gives you an idea. If that thought broke your brain, it’s understandable because she does that. I’ve said before that Wakinyan is not a trickster. She only tells the truth. We’re the ones who can’t stop lying.

I’m still grateful to her because she cured me. I paid her price, but as horrifying as it was I still think I got the better end of the deal. I used to think I needed to be punished. I needed to feel pain, that somehow that would make it right. She burned away my scars so they might heal better the second time, while I screamed and cheered her on. Eventually, she forced me to kill the part of myself that wanted to die. I was horrified by my violence. I wanted to say it wasn’t me, but it was, very much so, standing there in that moment of clarity, knowing it could go no other way. It was unspeakably brutal. But it was effective.

She taught me that there would always be a price and there was no way to dodge it. If I chose to fight, I also chose to bleed. I would cut myself before battle, just in case the enemy failed to score a hit. It made me think about how there would always be a cost, win or lose. I had to decide from the start whether or not it was worth paying.  If I forgot to do this, I would feel sick afterward with the debt unpaid.

But what happens when the cost is just too high and you can never take it back? When no amount of blood, yours or theirs, could ever make it right again? Maybe that was the question she wanted to ask Ib-heru when she took her price from me. She tore the heart out of my chest and carried it with her as she flew away, leaving me to bleed over the side of the cliff and into the void. She wanted to know what that heart would say. There was a man, and I attacked him viciously. She asked me why. “Because he gave up too easily,” I told her. Then she brought the heart back. In the real world, my energy was gone and I got sick for an entire month.

What do you do when the price is too high and the debt can never be repaid? You pay with blood during the battle, and you pay with tears afterward. And still, it isn’t enough. What can you do then? You don’t give up. You plant new seeds and you watch them grow. You water them with your tears and you pray for a better tomorrow. And no, it won’t ever be the same again, but life continues.

I hear her song and it’s the most painfully beautiful sound: creation and destruction at the very same moment, cracking through reality in a thin white line.

 

(Storm was last Thursday. Post has been queued. Tuesday is now my normal publish day.) 

*Wakinyan’s gender is a bit strange. Wakinyan is officially referred to as female, but she can also appear as a man. They are rather fond of people who don’t fit neatly into the usual preconceptions of gender. I used to use more masculine pronouns, but I’m in the mood to use feminine ones this time.

…Also shout out to Yumni who hit my house and threw dust at my window recently. (Just now got that part of the roof tarred and hammered back down.) He left a beach ball in the back yard and a cigarette box outside my window. Thanks for the presents! I’m sorry I threw the box away, I wasn’t thinking. Tobacco means something different to me than it does to them. Cross cultural stuff is tricky. I need to figure out how to say thanks. I think my wife still has her old stuff in the closet. I’m sure I could get some tobacco and juniper together, then add in some old fashioned Kemetic hospitality. I’m not sure what has prompted them to say hello after all these years. I hope they don’t decide to drop a rock on my house next.

Wholeness

So, it’s been a few months since I discovered the Eye. I know how to summon it now. I know what energy mixtures to use to bring it to mind. I had various Names drop in and demand that I show it to them, to practice, to show that I wasn’t going to lose it again. I know now that wholeness is not about “me,” it’s about “we.” That’s big talk coming from a hermit, right? It’s not about a simple body part that was injured and restored. Ask Heru what wholeness means to him. Ask him what he sees. What is most important to his sight?

It’s all of Them, all at once. Family. Home. Love. They’ve been here, within us all along, but we’ve been blind to it.

After playing with it, repeating the exercise over and over, and wondering what the heck it’s supposed to mean, I somehow activated the thing. So now, instead of holding the image in my hand, I’m inside of it, and I feel it all around me. And it’s so bright, I barely know what to do.

And it makes me smile. Who would have thought I could do that again? We’re here! We’re alive!

Still, it’s too easy to forget. The gains of one season can disappear the next without careful tending. The Eye is not a simple one and done thing. It must be sought out again and again to nourish the heart.

Civic Minded

I wanted to get back into posting weekly. It’s good practice for me. I started two different posts and decided not to post either of them. I’m feeling a bit sore and tired and there’s a deep silence in my center.

Some foreigner came into my town and killed a bunch of people. I call him a foreigner because he definitely ain’t from around here. We’ve had thousands of foreigners come through here, but only one of them did that.

Before this, we’ve been rated as the safest city in the US for our size, for several years. Definitely a far cry from the chaos certain people would expect from us. We’re full of military veterans, active military, local families who have been here for generations, and yes, new immigrants, some of which are from countries that you wouldn’t expect, who are not at all interested in jeopardizing their status by drawing attention to themselves. The fear mongering does us no favors.

I haven’t done civic magic in a few years. I’m getting tempted to start up again, but I have to hold back on that temptation. I stopped because it really is too big for one person to do alone. After a few years my energy system was so exhausted that I could barely cast a simple Wiccan-style circle. Maybe with the knowledge gained from my recent victory I could pull it off. But…I’m not just me anymore. Saying no is hard to do. And to be honest, doing that kind of high voltage magic was a rush and it made me feel important, even if I couldn’t actually be certain of its effects. Maybe I should let the ego chill just a bit and have more patience. Ib isn’t ready, and I said that I would wait for him, even if it meant waiting my whole life. Sitting back and assuming that others are capable doesn’t come easily. But well, those others have been doing their part all along. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise.

Didn’t stop me from slapping a blessing on the local Planned Parenthood while I waited to get my labs done though. Bes would be proud.